Before we dive into this, I really need you to know and understand me.
My past has been a rocky one, but it has shaped me into the woman I am standing here in front of you today. The woman that you hopefully will love and appreciate. This past has created fears, heartbreak, and made me learn some serious life lessons early on. It gave me a beautiful son, who I hope you will love as your own if it ever got serious. In the past I have been used, abused, and taken completely for granted, because of that I am not settling for anything less than the whole package. The boys before you were just that, boys. They didn’t know what they had until I was gone, then would continue to try and come back into my life. I fell for their games a few times, but I refuse to ever do that again. They didn’t understand me, so before you really decide you want to do this, I need you to understand these few things.
I am my own person.
I am independent. I am strong. I am okay being by myself. If I ask you to come to a family get together by all means come, but don’t get upset when I pick time with them over time with you. I don’t need to talk to you all day everyday. If I am going to have a girls night, let me. I will let you know when I am home. I was controlled and smothered. They call in “love bombing” for so long that if I feel any sense of control or insecurity on your part I will break things off immediately. I can pay for my own tab, I can open my own doors, and I sure as hell can order my own food. You can be a gentleman, in fact I will love that about you, but please respect my independence.
I am a mother first.
I can not stress this enough. My child will always come first. If he is sick I am sorry I am canceling on you. If he is in a mood where he just needs his mom, I am canceling. If you don’t understand and respect that, then I will cancel us completely. See I am a mom and a dad to my child. While finding someone to fill that spot would be amazing, its not a necessity. This makes who you are as a person even more important to me. I am a mother 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. I will always strive to be the best mother to my child, you are free to hop on board with that or get off the ride.
My past is a more than just a windy road. It has huge pot holes, twists, turns, and giant cracks. But I am so thankful for it. If you love me, then you must love my past. It has strengthened me, made me grow, and made me a hell of a great person. I have more compassion than anyone you know. I have a lot of baggage and, to be honest, most of it you won’t understand. You won’t understand why I have to sleep with the windows shut or check the door and window locks 10 times before I go to bed at night, but let me. My past will cause fear in our relationship, and I am extremely sorry for that. I refuse to ever go back to a toxic relationship. I will not let another man ever have control and ownership over me again. I refuse to go back to that dark hurtful place I was once in. I relive my past every single day. Looking over my shoulder, checking the back seat in the car, always looking at my surroundings. Somedays are worse than others, it will cause me to have huge walls up and act tough, but I promise I am trying.
I may be strong but I have a huge heart.
If you ask anyone about me they will tell you stories of strength, triumph, and happiness. I am laughing most of the time, whether that be at myself or with others. There are still places of my heart that I will never fully you allow you into. There are times where someone is calling me for help and I am going to get up and take the phone call. Whether that be my best friend going through a hard break up or a girl who found me and is wanting to know the safe steps to leave her abuser. I am a firm believer in being the person now, who you needed back then. My friends were there for me at times where I didn’t want to live anymore, I will always be there for them. The girls who call me are asking for guidance, they look up to me, I owe it to them to be there to help however they need me to. This huge heart applies to you as well. I will give you the shirt off my back, I will bend over backwards to make you feel special, but please don’t take advantage of this. I can give you the world, but I will take it away as quick as it was given and once its gone, I’m done.
I am hard to love.
There are times where I am extremely emotional and times where I am extremely cold. Sometimes I want all your attention and sometimes I want space. Everyday is different for me, somedays are happy and somedays I will be triggered and have a bad day. I am difficult. I will be the first to admit that. I need to be able to communicate how I am feeling to you free of judgement. I will listen to you always, but I need the same respect back. You will either be willing to deal with that and find a way to love me, or you will walk out like all the others have.
I am terrified.
I am absolutely terrified to love someone completely again. I have been burned, bruised, and beaten to the ground. I want to believe you are different, and I really hope you are. I want things to work out but every relationship has ended the same way. I am scared to let down my walls, put my whole heart and soul into someone just to be left again. I am not going to be someone out of convenience for you. I am not a toy you can pick up and put down as you see fit. If you want to be with me, you will understand that it is going to take time to break through my walls.
So, If you are the MAN– not boy- who will love me next your work is 100% cut out for you. If you are willing to do it, then I am willing to try. I am not like other girls. I am my own woman and need to be treated as such. Please don’t bother with me if you aren’t really wanting to be the forever person to me. I don’t have the time or energy to play any more games. I wish you luck, and Hey, I believe in you.