I think we can all say that at some point in our life our significant other has raised their voices, lost their temper, or needed some space to clear their heads. You can see how upset they are in their eyes. Disappointed in their actions. Sad that a fight came down to yelling and screaming. But what if that yelling and screaming turned into pushing and shoving? Those upset eyes were filled with rage instead of tears. That rage and darkness overcomes your light and before you know it you are dancing with the devil. That is when a relationship becomes toxic, and believe me when I tell you theres no coming back from that.
He was prince charming. Handsome, full of compliments and gifts. He makes you feel like you are the most important thing in his life. You feel like you are the only one who will ever matter and no other woman ever compared to you.
Little did you know that so much bad will come along with the good. You can’t escape from something you didn’t even see coming and before you know it you are sucked into this cycle.
The kind words and compliments quickly turn into screaming matches. You feel guilty- “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have argued. I should have let him have that next drink. I should’t be so controlling. I shouldn’t feel so insecure.” You tried to understand and make it better, but the closer you got to him the further he went away from you.
Suddenly you realize that you are a puppet and he holds the strings. Every time you fell, he kicked you while you were down.
A cycle appears- You fight, punches thrown, things broken, he left. He reappears with the most sincere of apologies and every abusers favorite line –“I love you, it will never happen again.”
We believe them and we forgive them. We forgive them because we feel bad for being angry in the first place. Remember, this was our fault. We don’t know that our forgiveness makes us look weak to them. It sends the message that he can continue to do exactly what he is doing without consequences.
When we are stuck in this cycle with someone so complicated you don’t realize the negative affect it has on us. We internalize, push away family and friends. You slowly want to just stay at home, after all how many times can you come up with cover stories when someone asks why you have bruises all over your arms.
What happened to the prince at the beginning of this “love” story? The man who was so sweet and caring? His kind and loving words have turned into terrible, degrading, insult filled rants followed by hollow apologies and empty promises.
Maybe you’ve been stuck in this cycle for so long that you feel a connection to him. That when things are calm it feels anything but normal. If he isn’t apologizing for all the fighting and professing his love for me then he doesn’t care right? You have become addicted to the cycle.
He knows everything about you. Your deepest secrets, Your biggest fears. He uses them to cripple you. Maybe thats why you stay. He has every tool to destroy you, and he will use them.
You don’t realize this but he isn’t going to destroy you in one shot, he will chip away at you little by little. He will break you slowly, bit by bit, over time.
You see, toxic people need others to validate their own self worth. They get high off of our pain. They can’t control their own miserable lives so they destroy ours.
I know how hard it is to leave a toxic relationship. I barley made it out. I know how it feels to have self doubt. I know the internal conflicts. You know he loves you deep down, you know that under all that evil the prince is still in there somewhere. I know that part of you doesn’t believe that you can make it without them because they have become the most important person in your life.
But I am here to tell you: You Can.
You are strong. You are brave. You are brave enough to walk away and strong enough to ignore the phone calls and texts that will follow. You deserve better than the repeated build ups and break downs. That knot in the middle of your stomach will go away. The pain in your chest that feels like your heart is physically breaking will stop. By putting your foot down and saying enough is enough you are taking back control of your life. You are taking the first steps to getting YOU back.
I promise you, you will meet someone who is twice the man that he is. You will smile again and genuinely be happy. He WILL be the prince that every little girl dreams about. I can not wait for the day that I find mine.
“I remember the day I prayed for the things I have now.” I have peace and happiness. I have my strength back and I am brave. Most of all, I have the strength and courage to refuse any behaviors that don’t fall in line with what I want in a man.
You can too.
Alyssa's Story 