Domestic Violence-After the Abuse

Domestic Violence isn’t just bruises and blood. The broken doors, shattered pictures, or holes in the walls.

It’s the life after.


It’s the bad days.

It’s the fear.

It’s anger and feeling ashamed.

It’s always looking over your shoulder, checking the back seat of the car when you get in, triple checking every window and door to be sure it’s locked.

It’s your family. How they don’t understand what you went through, they may try but they will never understand.  They don’t understand the worthless feeling you have deep inside somedays. How no matter how hard you try to get ahead you always feel like you aren’t enough.

It’s guilt. You feel guilty for bringing your family along on this emotional roller coaster. Guilty for needing help. Guilty for not being strong enough to leave.

It’s trying to remember your identity before the abuse. Imagine looking at your reflection then someone shattering the mirror with a hammer, but instead of a hammer it’s a fist and the shards of glass are the pieces of who you were. You are frantically trying to put the pieces back together but everytime you get close the hammer slams down on the mirror again. And this cycle repeats over and over. Breaking the tiny pieces of glass down until there is nothing.

It’s the feeling of disappointment. You’re disappointed in yourself and you feel like you disappointed your family. You did not turn out to be their dream of what a daughter should be.

It’s the child in the morning begging you to stay home with them because you are always gone at work but you have to financially support him. Missing out on events a mother shouldn’t miss.

It’s the social anxiety. Your friends not understanding why you don’t want to go out to bars or feeling out of place around them.

It’s going to work and putting a fake smile on, coming home making dinner, putting your child to bed after spending a measly hour and a half with them.

It’s breaking down the minute the lights turn off, when you can finally let the tears you’ve been holding back for so long fall.

It’s feeling anxious or overwhelmed when someone raises their voice at you. Trying to avoid the flash backs it triggers.

It’s the mental war you have with yourself every time you look in the mirror. Trying to rebuild your self-esteem brick by brick after someone took a wrecking ball to it every single day. Trying to scrub off the disgusting words that were branded into your skin.

It’s the struggle of not letting other people’s words or feelings affect you when they bring up the past.

It’s making it through these bad days and overcoming them.

It’s the reality that you will NEVER be the same.

Because Domestic Violence is Hell, and Hell changes you.

It changes who you were.

It changes who you could’ve been.

But if you have clawed your way out of the depths of Hell….

You are not weak

You are not a victim.

You are a SURVIVOR.

A Letter to His Next Victim

Dear Future Victim,

If you are reading this, its probably already too late. You are already trapped without even knowing it. He already has his grasp on you.

I am sure he has told you his sob story:

How he was abandoned by his drug addict father.  How he didn’t see him until he was 16 years old. How he was raised in poverty and wasn’t loved.  He had to fend for himself and sleep on benches in the baseball field. That he grew up missing meals because his mother couldn’t afford to feed him. She was always off dating new guys and neglected him.

My personal favorites were his war stories. He will tell you he drinks because of the bad memories, the alcohol helps him sleep. He will break your heart when he tells you about how he had to blow up a school with children inside and watch them die. How his troop was on a convoy and they missed detecting an under ground explosive device resulting in the tank he was riding in blowing up and the tiny pieces of his best friend’s body getting splattering all over him. He was the only survivor. He will tell you stories that sound like they are out of movies, spoiler alert-they are.

He will get close with your family. He will act like the perfect man. Loving, caring, genuine. Don’t be fooled its all an act. He will tell you how amazing you are. Create a life with you, move you out of a loving home. Slowly his drinking will become an issue, the bottle will matter more than you. He will hide bottles where you least expect it (hint: check under the hose storage box). He will humiliate you in public when you ask him if he really needs that next jack and coke he ordered. He will slowly isolate you away from your family and friends. He will leave you alone all night while he is out with other girls spending YOUR money buying THEM drinks. He will make you feel like you deserve what happens to you next-the physical abuse. He will tell you that you made him hurt you. You shouldn’t act so controlling and mean. You shouldn’t be insecure, those girls are just his friends. You will lock yourself in different rooms trying to hide from the abuse but he will kick and punch his way through the doors. He will make how much bigger he is than you well known. He will slam your head into the ground over and over until the pattern of the carpet is imprinted on your forehead. He will tell you multiple times how he hopes you die. He will hold a knife to his throat and to his wrists threatening to kill himself if you leave him. He will break anything in his path like a tornado running through small town. He will kill dogs you have and he will make his best attempts to kill you. After those blow ups happen you will come home to the holes in the walls covered, the mess of the fight cleaned up, dinner made and your favorite flowers on the table. He will apologize and profess his love for you. He will set his trap and you will walk into it with a smile. You will think this is okay because he is sorry and promised it won’t happen again, but it will.

I am sure he has told you about me. The evil baby mama. The girl who ruined his reputation. The spoiled rich bitch. The liar. He will show you pictures of a little boy who he will say is his son, but it isn’t, its his little brother. The son he claims to have an amazing relationship with has no idea who he is. And no, he doesn’t fly back here to see his child every few months. The truth his he couldn’t even tell you my sons birthday. No matter what he tells you, his family doesn’t see that child either. The majority of them haven’t ever even met my son.

So, please if you are reading this,leave, get out, run.


The Survivor



#5 Abandonment

R hadn’t seen or contacted Beau in over a year. I knew he would come back for holidays to see his family, who live about 5 minutes away. It was a constant worry of mine that he would choose this fathers day, this christmas, this birthday to contact the supervisor for a visit. I had never received any child support payments, any birthday cards, presents, nothing. So I met with my attorney to move forward with filing abandonment. In California you can file for abandonment if there has been a period of 12 months with no contact from the other parent. Now came the hard part-tracking R down. Legally I was supposed to have his address, which is a complete joke in my mind. When has he ever done anything by the law? He never followed ANY of the court ordered instructions. Never did any drug/alcohol screenings, didn’t do any of his counseling, didn’t go to any batterer intervention programs. NOTHING. His family never even contacted me to see Beau. But I had to somehow find an address and serve him 10 days prior to the hearing? I had to have my process server serve his mother and father. Then it became their legal responsibility to get it to R.

We went to court. I had the same judge that we have had this whole hearing, which terrified me. He is a very blunt, no bullshit kind of guy. He will talk over attorneys, tell them to shut their mouths, tell you that you are wasting his time. I had no idea whether or not R, his mom, or his step mother and dad would be attending the hearing. My attorney told me this will be a quick case, since he has literally abandoned Beau it wouldn’t be hard to prove it. Shockingly the judge told me I needed to hire an attorney for Beau, prove that Beau would be financially supported if anything were to happen to me, prove that he was in a better financial position with me than he ever would be with is father, I needed to show where Beau lives, go through extensive background checks, and have an interview with a court investigator. I honestly thought I was going to walk out stress free and the case would be closed. I was so angry. I felt as though we are just giving this monster more time to change his mind, more time to get his shit together, and more time to take Beau away from me.

I had the phone interview with the court investigator. She was very sweet. She asked me every detail of the case, including the domestic violence history. I went though it all step by step, the threats, abuse, how I almost died. She also needed to talk to R then would get back with me once she made contact, I wished her luck. R reportedly sounded irritated and confused as to “why so many people were calling him” She explained to him what was going on, he said “I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I walked away.” He stated “I made visitation impossible for him”. The worst comment he made that broke my heart for Beau was he said “I have no fatherly ties to the child.” Let me just make this clear, HE served me with custody papers, HE got awarded visitation, which HE canceled after 2 visits, so how did I ever make him walk away? Playing the victim as usual. The court investigator recommended that R’s parental rights be terminated since he wasn’t fighting for Beau, never paid child support, and didn’t want to come to court. I was extremely relieved, one battle was won. Next up meeting with Beaus attorney.

I met with Beau’s attorney. She seemed very blunt and almost irritated to be meeting with me. She had asked me to bring Beau so that she could see that he is healthy and happy. She kept commenting on how cute he is, saying I should get him modeling. She also said how happy he is, and  said “who wouldn’t want to be a part of that little boys life.” We went into her office. She grilled me for about an hour, asking me all about my relationship with R, his past, my past, and the abuse. She actually got teary eyed when I described the abuse, my delivery, and the trauma R caused. I got emotional talking about all of the details and saying how much I love Beau and just want what is best for him and his safety. After the hour long session she said she had talked to R. I was anxious as hell thinking about what he said. She stated that R isn’t going to fight my petition and said he doesn’t want any parental rights to Beau-“He just wanted it over with”. THANK GOD that was over with, now we just needed to go back to court to make the ruling final, but R could still change his mind.

We went back to court AGAIN. Same judge, same court reporter, even the same sheriff. My attorney said he would probably call me first or save me for last since it is an easy case. Of course we went last. I don’t think my heart has ever pounded so loudly since the very first court date. I have never prayed like I prayed that day. Next to Beau being born, this is the most important day of my life. At the end of the whole day the judge finally called my case. He asked everyone to leave the court room, at first it was just my attorney, Beaus attorney, the judge, court reporter, and sheriff. I honestly thought that R had changed his mind and that the judge wasn’t going to rule in my favor. He then said “I saved the easiest case for last” My attorney went over all the evidence, Beau’s attorney went over her conversation with myself and R. We asked my family to come in for the final ruling. The judge said he was going to grant my petition to strip R of his parental rights.  I was teary eyed I was so happy. My family was emotional. It was finally over. Beau is all mine forever. The judge said he didn’t even know where to file the paper work because in his whole career he has never made the ruling of  taking someones parental rights away. I thanked him so much! Beau’s attorney walked out with us, she actually shook my hand saying how I was a great mom and she was very pleased with the ruling. I didn’t realize how much stress I was under. It felt like I could finally breathe again.

We called all of our family, friends, and had a big dinner following the court proceedings to  celebrate.

A letter to my family…

I was going to write about the next step in my journey but then I realized I keep talking about my mom, sisters, father, and of course my son, and tell you how important they were through all of this. But I’ve never actually shown you them, and honestly I don’t think I have told them enough how thankful I am for them. 15350688_10211373695649267_452374813489797899_n

G- I know we have had our differences throughout the years, but I am so proud of the woman you are becoming. You are hard working, strong willed, and honest. You are smarter than you believe, and will go far in whatever career path you choose. You don’t care what anyone thinks and I am definitely jealous of that quality. I am sorry you had to see me almost die and go through that experience. You are the one I turn to for any fashion advice before I go out on dates (I would definitely look like a hot mess if it wasn’t for you). Thank you for painting my nails in the hospital, at least one part of me looked okay! haha Beau can be a huge handful, but you are learning to deal with a toddler who is more strong willed than you, and excelling at being an aunt. I love you very  much!

S-I can’t thank you enough for taking the time off of school when I had Beau. I would not have been able to function without you helping me. When I was too weak to blow dry my hair you did it for me. You are very smart, ambitious, and driven. You are great with Beau, even if you give him sweets when he shouldn’t have them. I am sorry you had to be called to my house to see me bleeding everywhere, and for all the times you came and saw R in those crazy mental states he would be in. But I am happy at the same time, because you and G know the exact kinds of guys to NOT date. I love you very much!

Mom and Dad- I don’t even know where to start, I know me getting pregnant was not part of the ideal plan you have for a daughters life. I also know that you never dream of having a daughter almost die due to domestic violence. As a parent, I now see why you guys raised me the way you did. You did everything you guys could to give us an amazing life. My sisters and I are so very blessed to have parents like you guys. You love each other so much. We are very strong girls, we(I now) take no shit from anyone, and we love hard. You have taught us that family, loyalty, love and your word are the most important things in life. I am sorry for all the times I have let you down, but I promise to make all the heartache, sleepless nights, and money worth it. I am going to change the world and open eyes that refuse to see the truth about domestic violence. I couldn’t do any of that without you two in my corner. Dad, you are the most hard working man I know and the best example of what a man and father should be. Mom, you are the most loyal and loving person anyone has ever met, and the best mother anyone could dream of. Beau love the two of you so much! Screw the people who are jealous of what you two have. Haters are a sign that you are succeeding in life. I love you both and damn proud to call you my parents!

Beau- You can’t read this yet but one day you will. I love you so much little bear. You saved my life. You gave me a reason to defy the odds and survive. God had a plan for you too, being born at 31 weeks without any major complications is a major win in anyones book. You are SO smart, handsome, and loving. I promise to give you every opportunity this life has to offer and be the best damn mommy and daddy I can be to you. I will never let another monster come near you or ever let that certain one get the chance to know the amazing boy you are. I can not wait to see how you grow and become a little man, mommy loves you forever and always for you are my dear one.

See the thing is, not all domestic violence survivors have the amazing family I do. I had a place to go home to. Somewhere safe that I knew R couldn’t get to me without going through 4 other people first. I had an education to fall back on.  My plan for A Survivor’s Mission is to give these victims a chance to never be another mans property again. I want to change the laws we have in CA for restraining orders. I want to sponsor some of these girls through school, give them their independence back, at the very least put them through counseling. I can not explain to you what it is like to have someone take control of who you are as a person. You feel stupid, worthless, controlled, and terrified. You can’t become a strong person again without learning how to overcome that psychological hold these abusers have over us. I won’t stop until the view of what a “victim” is. My abuser gets to be free because I didn’t have the guts to stand up and ask for help, if you are reading this I will listen, you are not alone! You can contact me through this blog, or through my non profit website- that emails me directly.