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This is the first picture I have holding my son. It isn’t your typical post birth picture where the mom is glowing, dad is smiling, baby healthy and bundled up. Its a defeated dying mother holding a premature little baby, without a dad. R had attacked my sister when he was questioned about why I was throwing up blood for 5 days and he didn’t take me to a hospital for help. He was removed from the hospital. Nurses then saw the bruises on my arms, hips, and stomach. They put the pieces together and started investigating deeper for domestic violence. R was banned from returning to the hospital after my mom read through my cell phone finding the horrible life threats R had made. My family came to the realization that their daughter and only grandchild might not survive because of an abusive monster. Beau and I were put under secret names for our safety, completely off the hospital registry, and my room had been changed. My mom took this picture incase I didn’t survive so that my child had a picture with his mother holding him. This is the reality of domestic violence. I was getting transferred to a different hospital over an hour away from my child for more intensive care. I was expected to die. Domestic Violence doesn’t care who you are, where you come from, how much money you have, the color of your skin. It can happen to anyone. It breaks my heart that my mother had to think of taking this picture so that if I were to not wake up, my child had a memory with me. I feel horrible that my family had to endure the stress and heartbreak of my secret. I had carried it on my shoulders not wanting to burden anyone. I thought that I could handle it. As long as he only abused me and not my child it would be okay. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. There is this psychological hold our abusers have over us. I honestly thought that I deserved every attack. I did something wrong and he was punishing me for messing up. I thought that a “family” had to have two parents. I didn’t want my child to grow up with an absent father. I was so brainwashed to believing every negative thing R ever told me. I wasn’t going to be a good mother, I wasn’t a good girlfriend, I was stupid, ugly, worthless, a bitch. This picture represents the beginning of my journey. While it hurts me to see it, it makes me so proud. I am strong and healthy, My child is so happy, strong, and healthy. God saved me and sent be the best gift anyone can ever receive.

R,

I never thought I would be the 1 in 4. I never thought I would be one of those girls who become a victim of abuse, especially not at the hands of someone they love. When we are growing up we are taught to fear strangers because you don’t know what they are capable of. I was never taught how to deal with the monster you were. You made my families worst nightmare come true. YOU were my nightmare. The man I was supposed to trust became the stranger you fear your whole life. I was afraid of getting raped at a party, or getting beat up by someone, I never imagined you would become that person.

Every time you drank I knew it would happen. The blow up, the screaming, the abuse. At first I would stand up to you; try and show you that you couldn’t push me around. After a while you broke me. You took away everything I had worked so hard to be. Every time you called me a bitch, worthless, ugly, or told me how you hoped I’d die, you broke me a little more. Every time you pushed me, broke things, or hit me, I died inside a little more until there was nothing left. I look back at pictures when I was with you and I was dead inside. There was no light behind my eyes. I was just going through the motions of everyday life. I got so used to putting on that fake smile and covering up the bruises. No one knew that the night before I was getting verbally and physically abused, or watching you hold a knife to your throat when I wanted to leave. Nobody knew the damage you were truly doing to me.

The scary thing is I still can feel the spit on my face every time you screamed at me, I still am terrified of you, and I can’t trust any man fully because of you. You claimed you had PTSD. I can tell you now that you were full of shit and looking for an excuse for your actions. I have PTSD from YOU. I have nightmares all the time, I can’t go out in public without being terrified to run into you or your family, I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I make an escape plan in my mind at any store I go into just incase I see you.  I carry weapons so I am ready for you if  you do come back to finish the job you started and hurt me again.

You took the happiest time in my life and completely ruined it. When a woman is pregnant it is supposed to be the most beautiful time in her life, not hell. To think that you almost won makes me sick to my stomach. You almost succeeded in your plan of killing me. Please, tell me who the hell thinks to give a woman drano? Who taught you to hate the way you do? I couldn’t imagine hurting someone that way, but that is what makes me a survivor and you a piece of shit. I wouldn’t wish what you did to me for all that time onto anyone, not even your sisters or your mother. I don’t wish you ill will either. Part of me is thankful for you because I have the most amazing child who is ALL MINE and the other part of me pity’s you. You must feel like such a sorry excuse for a man. A real man would never abuse a woman. Plus, on top of all of that you didn’t win-I am still here, alive and telling my story of what YOU did. You messed with the wrong one this time. I have the strength and drive to change this world. I will not be silenced ever again. You can continue to deny the crap you did, but police reports and medical records don’t lie. Other girls who you have done things to have come forward and told me about what you did. My heart broke that you got away with other disgusting things, but it was nice to finally realize that I didn’t do anything wrong. Its YOU. You have a personality flaw. You have an anger issue. You are an addict. Its your guilt to deal with and carry forever.

But at then end of the day, I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting my family when you tried to kill me. I forgive you for having sex with me when I couldn’t consent to it. I forgive you for every time you hit me, called me names, and broke things. I forgive you for trying to take my child away from me. I forgive you for every sleepless night, every emotional breakdown, and for the fear I still have. I forgive you for ruining my trust in men. I forgive you for calling me a liar and for trying to play the victim in this mess you created.

One day I will meet someone who will appreciate and love me for exactly who I am. They won’t try to change me or take away my strength. They will never hit me,spit on me, or verbally abuse me. They will love my family and friends, not try and take me away from them. He will love my child as his own and will be an amazing example of what a man and father is.

R-you may have silenced me for a while, but you never will be able to do so again. I have taken the control of my life back  and I will continue to share my story and use my voice to try and speak for those who can’t.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas with their families, I definitely did.

This particular blog post may offend some dudes, I really don’t care. Put your big boy pants on and get ready for some reality.

I decided that this week I would write about dating as a single mother. Since it has been the holiday season I am sure every single single person has been asked the inevitable, uncomfortable, and frankly annoying questions-Are you dating anyone? When are you going to settle down?

Being a single mother is the hardest job I have ever had, being a single mother who has been through the traumatic experience I have makes things even harder. But I want what every person wants; Love.

Dating as single mother is completely different than dating before you had a little one. Besides the obvious factor of the child, the qualities you look for in a man have totally changed. Is this man going to be a positive influence in my child’s life? Would I eventually trust him around my child? Will he love my child as his own? Can he protect my child? With my dating history being as shitty as it is I right off the bat ask 3 questions. 1) ever been arrested? 2) are you employed? and 3) have you had/have any addictions? These may be heavy questions to ask someone but I want to know every skeleton in your closet before I become invested in this situation and DEFINITELY before I involve my child in it. I was getting ready for the last date, stressing over what to wear I had my sister helping me. She had a friend with her and I jokingly said “basically at this point I’m going to dinner and interviewing these guys.” It hit me that I really am. I am interviewing these men to see if they can fit in my life. My situation is different than the usual shared custody parenting plan, my son doesn’t have the “father” as you would in the typical upbringing. So I am seeing if these guys have the qualifications to fit the job. Which brings me to my next topic-

Guys- If a woman is giving up her time to be with you RESPECT IT. We spend hours stressing over what outfit to wear, how to do our hair/makeup, getting a new outfit, finding childcare, and the most expensive thing we are giving up -TIME. We are giving up time with our child to go out with you. Now for me personally, I want to text/talk on the phone for a little while before I even agree to go out on a date with you. So if you have passed that HUGE step with me then that means I actually see potential in you, don’t take advantage of it. Be a gentleman. Open the car door, open the restaurant door, pay attention to us-not the game, smile. Most importantly PLEASE have a damn conversation, believe me when I say ANYTHING will be more interesting to talk about than the one we have with our 3 year old about Paw patrol and Minions all the time.  Those little things will go a long way with us. Don’t be a player, if you are 27+ and are still interested in playing games, you probably shouldn’t be dating a single mother.

Look guys, all we really want is to feel respected and appreciated. Ladies, we will all find “the one” someday, but until then we are out here in this dating war together 🙂

I hadn’t heard from the court appointed supervisor for the visits after over a year, so I thought he had actually left and given up. I still was living in fear, still terrified to go out anywhere near is families salon, scared to go anywhere alone, I was even scared to go out in my driveway in the dark. I slept with the TV or a light on every night. I walked with a taser at all times. I was prepared for him to come back and finish the job he started.

I heard that he was living in Louisiana or Texas so I knew he was physically far away, but what people don’t understand is that the physical abuse is the least of the issues. There is this constant mental hold our abusers have over us. I tell people all the time I would have rather had him hit me more and verbally abused me less because the constant  negative voice inside of you is the most difficult to get rid of. That voice I hear still is his. Continuing to tell me how I’m a rich bitch, I’m ugly, I’m a bitch, I’m worthless, that he hopes I die, I’m a liar, nobody will love me, how hated I am. Almost 3 years since this relationship has ended and I STILL hear that voice.

In april of 2015 I received a phone call from the deputy DA. R had been arrested on another charge and brought back to CA on a warrant. She had seen my pending domestic violence charge against him and called me wanting to explain to her what had happened. I immediately got this wave of emotion, where is he? how long has he been here? has he been watching me? How long will he be here?  To say I was terrified would be an understatement. I started getting emotional. After gathering my thoughts she explained to me that I didn’t need to be scared, he was sitting in handcuffs and I am safe. I went through all of the times he abused me, the custody hearings, and every detail I could remember at that point. After everything I told her she said how sorry she was the sheriff didn’t get my medical records but she would try to get charges pressed if I was willing to go to a trial against R. I asked if he would be handcuffed in the court room, If i would need to see him, and if there would be a sheriff with him during trial. She answered yes to all of them. So I said yes i will go to trial.

She called me back stating the judge wouldn’t press charges due to the lack of evidence at the time of R’s original questioning. IF that sheriff would have gotten my medical records (which i signed to have released to him) R would have gotten jail time and I would have gotten justice, maybe even an apology. She explained to me that all R received was a misdemeanor, a probation violation and mandatory AA (because it worked so well the first time around) and she would be bumping my restraining order up to a criminal protective order (CPO). I am not sure of what R said during the court hearing but it was enough that the deputy DA told me to be extremely careful and to call the police if anything odd happens.

Weird things did happen, police were called multiple times, the one police officer actually knew R from being in jail at the time the DA called me. I have talked to police I know personally about this matter and the weird things that happened around the property and they have told me to be aware, not to live in fear but if R did come back, he isn’t coming for Beau, he is coming for you. Abusers view their victims as property, nobody wants their property taken away, and they definitely don’t want the police involved.

Even though I was/am always scared, I am so much stronger now. It was so validating to hear the DA say she believed me. She knew I wasn’t lying. I had been called a liar by R, his family, his friends and others in this small town. To finally have someone who doesn’t know me personally say how sorry they are and that they truly believe me meant more than any charge R could receive. Of course I was upset that I didn’t get justice, and I didn’t receive an apology, but I did get validation. That is all that mattered to me.

I had a lot of hate bottled up inside me. I had to accept that I wasn’t ever going to receive an apology from R or his family. I needed to forgive him for myself. I know his family has heard about this blog, so …….R ,S ,and L, I forgive you. I forgive you for calling me a liar, for serving me in my home, for trying to take my son away from me. I am sure you are embarrassed for your sons actions and that is why you aren’t adult enough to admit your wrong doings, but I pray that domestic violence doesn’t ever touch your daughters, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

My son wouldn’t know who any of them are from a hole in the wall and for that I am so thankful. I couldn’t continue to hope on R staying out of Beaus life, so I had to make it official….

I want this blog to be real, honest, and raw. I try my best to describe my feelings at the time and put you guys in that room or moment with me. I try to be this strong person who has worked so hard to move forward from the nightmare I lived through, but if I am being honest with you guys its really hard at times to be that strong person.

Friday,  I went through my first court date with you guys. Wanting it to be totally accurate I went back into my files to find paperwork with the exact dates. While looking through all those papers I had found a log my mom wrote for the police. It was a 3 and a half page front and back typed up log of all the times I had called her for help. Times she could hear R yelling at me, times I called her to come try and talk him off the ledge, times  I was in fear for my life, times where he held a knife to his wrists and throat, and the time he said he had thought about homicide.

Most of these events I blocked out. I hadn’t read that paper until friday. I refused to read it two years ago, and it was just as hard to read it friday. Hard enough that I really questioned writing this blog anymore. I didn’t want to go back and relive the events in my life that almost broke me. I was so weak and powerless. I was afraid that if I relived it again I wouldn’t be able to get back to this person I am now. Friday night I had the worst nightmares I have had in a very long time. I hadn’t had this one nightmare in particular for a while, but its always the same. I am back in my master bathroom at my old house, R has me pinned down. His knees on my shoulders, he is leaning over me, he has one arm on my legs holding me still and he is punching my stomach repeatedly with the other. He has a pillow over my face so even though I am screaming nobody can hear me. Now, I have been in counseling since June 4,2014. I have done this thing called EMDR that his supposed to help with memory and PTSD. This recurring dream my counselor thinks, could very well be what had happened causing me to have the placental abruption.

Reading that paper brought me right back to that helpless victim, who was ashamed, embarrassed, and terrified. I cried reading it. I was so sad that I drug my family through all that mess with me. But after seeing my counselor today she encouraged me to keep going, and share how I was feeling. She told me “Alyssa, this blog is about your thoughts, your feelings, you have made it passed that, you are strong now and will never go back to being that powerless person. You have always been a warrior, we just needed to give you your power back. Share your journey. Let your readers know its okay to have bad days, they don’t define you or take away from your progress.” And she is right. There are some days where if I didn’t have a little boy needing me to be the best damn mommy and daddy I can be, I would probably crumble. But that is part of getting strong again and being a domestic violence survivor.  Its okay for me to not be this fighter every day and somedays to cry. I want to keep writing this blog to encourage others to find the strength to leave abusive relationsips and the ones who have left, that it is okay to be weak sometimes, that being weak doesn’t give your abuser the power back, and that it doesn’t take away from the progress you have made.

Love,

Alyssa

After being served and given a court date a temporary restraining order was put in place. In CA to get a domestic violence restraining order you have to have signs of abuse and the abuser needs to be a close person to you (not a roommate). A temporary one goes into place, then you go to court where the judge will have a final ruling.

I had to then find a family law attorney, which means hefty retainers. THANK GOD for my parents being how supportive they were, and continue to be in this nightmare. I could not have done it without them.

The first court date was set for 2/24/14. The judge decided to lump the restraining order hearing and restraining order hearing into one court date to save some time. I had never been to court in my life, I had no idea what to wear. I went to express to buy some nice slacks/skirts and button ups. I remember trying these clothes on looking in the mirror questioning what my life had come to. I pictured having a child, being married, you know the typical white picket fence life-this was not that. This was nightmares, tons of fear, surgeries, blood transfusions, beatings, threats, and court dates.

February 24, 2014 arrived way faster than I was prepared for. How am I supposed to go and face R? How am I supposed to go in there against someone who tried to kill me and put my child’s safety in a judge’s hands? How am I supposed to do this sitting in the same room with him? My attorney sat next to me waiting so that I wouldn’t have to see R, but I could feel him looking at me. My heart was pounding in my chest, I have never been so scared in my life. I had this huge lump in my throat, you want to run but you can’t, you want to believe this is all just a bad dream, but its not, you want to believe that the judge will have the sense to know that this man is not a good person, but sometimes they don’t. When they called our case and we went up to the stand I feel like I almost left my mind for a few seconds. I prayed, held myself together, and tried as hard as I could to not cry. I was not going to let him see another tear fall from my eyes. I couldn’t even speak when the clerk has you swear in. I tried but nothing came out. The judge issued my restraining order for 3 years, he sent R and I to mediation to work out a custody/visitation plan, which was enforced right away, twice weekly, 1 hour long supervised visits with a Child Protective Services supervisor and my mother present. Upon leaving I didn’t talk for a few hours. I just shook my head yes and no when asked questions-I was just frozen in fear.

The mediation date was 5/16/14. I requested separate rooms due to the circumstances, I also didn’t have my attorney with me. The mediator asked me a bunch of questions and I guess R was busy out of state and had to call in. We returned to court 5/21/14 in front of the same judge again. He stated he basically agrees with what the mediator says and puts that ruling into place, mind you I had NO idea what her decision was, continue with the plan already in place or give this monster more time? Can you imagine sitting there within 10 feet of your abuser, and thinking that he could possibly get custody of the most important and precious thing in your life:your child. Little did I know that R asked for more time with Beau, thankfully the mediator saw his game. She ordered me to go to mandatory counseling once a week(I still see my counselor weekly). R was granted twice weekly, hour long visitations with a CPS supervisor and my mother present. He also was instructed to enter in a batterer intervention program, twice weekly 10 panel drug/alcohol testing at random times, for two months any failed tests would result in him going to rehab, he needed to go to at least 12 AA/NA meetings for 3  months, and I was to be notified on all of his progress/drug test results. He saw Beau twice in one week, canceled the visitation and moved away. He never completed any classes, AA meetings, or drug/alcohol testing. When R was asked if he was in agreement with what was being put in place he repetitively said ” I don’t want to incriminate myself” “I want the baby to have my last name” “I don’t want to incriminate myself”, and my favorite line ” I don’t have time for this I need to go see my aunt” I am sitting there in complete shock thinking “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? THIS IS YOUR CHILD!! I didn’t have time to apply makeup to cover bruises, i didn’t have time to clean up his vomit all the time, I didn’t have time to be attacked over and over, I didn’t have time to digest what hell I was put through and fought through, but I definitely have ALL the time in the world for my child.”The judge told R he could not give him legal advice, your son won’t have your last name yet until you show you are wanting to be a parent, and decided he couldn’t have more time with Beau until he showed some progress in his sobriety.

R last saw MY son march of 2014. He has never sent a card for any holiday, has never bought a single diaper, blanket, never asked to see my son since march of 2014. It stayed that way for two years. I still lived in fear everyday. I wouldn’t take my son out near where his parents worked in fear of retaliation. My family moved for our safety. Even with the restraining order weird things would happen around the house. I was terrified all the time in public, always looking over my shoulder, afraid of the dark(still am), nightmares, never going anywhere alone. I didn’t allow my son to sleep in his crib until we moved. I thought R would climb through my window and try to kidnap him. One night in particular my mom came into my room and saw that Beau was asleep in my arms, she went to go put him in his crib and I starting throwing punches at her to protect Beau. I was still hearing people telling me that I was keeping Beau from R, that they were hearing from his family that I was lying, the abuse never happened. They even had the audacity to say I told them no when asked to see Beau. I was never  asked. I was asked one time, the time i got served. After everything I had been through my name was continuing to be dragged through the mud. I already felt disgusting about myself, thought I was stupid, ashamed, everyone knew what happened in this small town I felt like everyone was starring at me everywhere we went.

You would think the battle would have ended there, but it didn’t.

After I was discharged from the hospital, Beaus sperm donor, lets call him “R”, kept asking me to see Beau. I would respond with asking him to prove sobriety over an extended period of time. Beau was born premature and was having difficulty swallowing at times. R would try to sweet talk me calling me princess, telling me my parents were wrong in what they are doing and are trying to control me, and sadly still being trapped in that cycle I believed him. THANK GOD my parents were tough on me and my sisters were there supporting me in keeping strong, I honestly would probably be dead if it wasn’t for the 4 of them.

When I went to my first post op after my c section my doctor talked about my abuse, I still was not ready to face it. I was afraid to be “that girl”. I had been struggling with coming to terms with the abuse and taking the steps to getting a restraining order, I was still afraid to upset R, I was afraid of him coming to my parents house and causing a scene, I was afraid the police wouldn’t believe me. When you are with an abusive person they brainwash you to believe that everything is your fault, that you DESERVE what is happening to you, and that nobody will believe you if you do gain the strength to tell the truth. Thankfully my doctor told me based on the evidence, and my bruising that he already notified the police and legally he had to start a police report.

I was terrified, I don’t think I have ever been more torn in my life. I pulled onto my parents street and sure enough there was a sheriff waiting for me. Now I am totally pro police, I think they do AMAZING work, but the way this sheriff spoke to me was not okay. He made me show him my bruises which by this point were mostly gone, he went through my phone and read some text messages. He made me feel like I was lying, now looking back I can understand a lot of victims go back to their abusers, and he may have been used to that kind of situation. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said press charges, I signed a medical records release form so that he could give the records to the DA. He went to R’s home he denied everything. His response when asked about the bruises and if he had caused them was, and I quote ” Not me boss”. I am not sure where the ball was dropped but the sheriff never got my records from the hospital.

R’s father (Beaus grandpa) asked to come see Beau. Reluctantly I said yes. I couldn’t blame this man for what his son had done. My mother was not on board with this decision, but sure enough he came. He held my 5lb little baby for a total of maybe 10 minutes and then asked me to escort him to our front door. I held Beau and walked him out, on the way out he kept telling me about how good a dad R wants to be, I responded saying when he is sober he will be, but until then its not safe for Beau. He said well I have to give you this. He handed me an orange folder that had  packet of information inside, I have never been to court in my life so I was not aware of what was happening. R had his father served me, for custody of my son. He had wrote this letter about how he is a veteran, he is in parenting classes, in AA all this stuff that was about 70% false.

I went from feeling guilty about keeping Beau from him to pissed and protective. This man was trying to paint me out to be a bad person, which I was not going to have happen. And just like that in a 10 minute visit I went from being a victim to becoming a survivor. I was not going to take this lying down. Then the next battle began….