A Letter To My Abuser…

R,

I never thought I would be the 1 in 4. I never thought I would be one of those girls who become a victim of abuse, especially not at the hands of someone they love. When we are growing up we are taught to fear strangers because you don’t know what they are capable of. I was never taught how to deal with the monster you were. You made my families worst nightmare come true. YOU were my nightmare. The man I was supposed to trust became the stranger you fear your whole life. I was afraid of getting raped at a party, or getting beat up by someone, I never imagined you would become that person.

Every time you drank I knew it would happen. The blow up, the screaming, the abuse. At first I would stand up to you; try and show you that you couldn’t push me around. After a while you broke me. You took away everything I had worked so hard to be. Every time you called me a bitch, worthless, ugly, or told me how you hoped I’d die, you broke me a little more. Every time you pushed me, broke things, or hit me, I died inside a little more until there was nothing left. I look back at pictures when I was with you and I was dead inside. There was no light behind my eyes. I was just going through the motions of everyday life. I got so used to putting on that fake smile and covering up the bruises. No one knew that the night before I was getting verbally and physically abused, or watching you hold a knife to your throat when I wanted to leave. Nobody knew the damage you were truly doing to me.

The scary thing is I still can feel the spit on my face every time you screamed at me, I still am terrified of you, and I can’t trust any man fully because of you. You claimed you had PTSD. I can tell you now that you were full of shit and looking for an excuse for your actions. I have PTSD from YOU. I have nightmares all the time, I can’t go out in public without being terrified to run into you or your family, I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I make an escape plan in my mind at any store I go into just incase I see you.  I carry weapons so I am ready for you if  you do come back to finish the job you started and hurt me again.

You took the happiest time in my life and completely ruined it. When a woman is pregnant it is supposed to be the most beautiful time in her life, not hell. To think that you almost won makes me sick to my stomach. You almost succeeded in your plan of killing me. Please, tell me who the hell thinks to give a woman drano? Who taught you to hate the way you do? I couldn’t imagine hurting someone that way, but that is what makes me a survivor and you a piece of shit. I wouldn’t wish what you did to me for all that time onto anyone, not even your sisters or your mother. I don’t wish you ill will either. Part of me is thankful for you because I have the most amazing child who is ALL MINE and the other part of me pity’s you. You must feel like such a sorry excuse for a man. A real man would never abuse a woman. Plus, on top of all of that you didn’t win-I am still here, alive and telling my story of what YOU did. You messed with the wrong one this time. I have the strength and drive to change this world. I will not be silenced ever again. You can continue to deny the crap you did, but police reports and medical records don’t lie. Other girls who you have done things to have come forward and told me about what you did. My heart broke that you got away with other disgusting things, but it was nice to finally realize that I didn’t do anything wrong. Its YOU. You have a personality flaw. You have an anger issue. You are an addict. Its your guilt to deal with and carry forever.

But at then end of the day, I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting my family when you tried to kill me. I forgive you for having sex with me when I couldn’t consent to it. I forgive you for every time you hit me, called me names, and broke things. I forgive you for trying to take my child away from me. I forgive you for every sleepless night, every emotional breakdown, and for the fear I still have. I forgive you for ruining my trust in men. I forgive you for calling me a liar and for trying to play the victim in this mess you created.

One day I will meet someone who will appreciate and love me for exactly who I am. They won’t try to change me or take away my strength. They will never hit me,spit on me, or verbally abuse me. They will love my family and friends, not try and take me away from them. He will love my child as his own and will be an amazing example of what a man and father is.

R-you may have silenced me for a while, but you never will be able to do so again. I have taken the control of my life back  and I will continue to share my story and use my voice to try and speak for those who can’t.