#4-CPO

I hadn’t heard from the court appointed supervisor for the visits after over a year, so I thought he had actually left and given up. I still was living in fear, still terrified to go out anywhere near is families salon, scared to go anywhere alone, I was even scared to go out in my driveway in the dark. I slept with the TV or a light on every night. I walked with a taser at all times. I was prepared for him to come back and finish the job he started.

I heard that he was living in Louisiana or Texas so I knew he was physically far away, but what people don’t understand is that the physical abuse is the least of the issues. There is this constant mental hold our abusers have over us. I tell people all the time I would have rather had him hit me more and verbally abused me less because the constant  negative voice inside of you is the most difficult to get rid of. That voice I hear still is his. Continuing to tell me how I’m a rich bitch, I’m ugly, I’m a bitch, I’m worthless, that he hopes I die, I’m a liar, nobody will love me, how hated I am. Almost 3 years since this relationship has ended and I STILL hear that voice.

In april of 2015 I received a phone call from the deputy DA. R had been arrested on another charge and brought back to CA on a warrant. She had seen my pending domestic violence charge against him and called me wanting to explain to her what had happened. I immediately got this wave of emotion, where is he? how long has he been here? has he been watching me? How long will he be here?  To say I was terrified would be an understatement. I started getting emotional. After gathering my thoughts she explained to me that I didn’t need to be scared, he was sitting in handcuffs and I am safe. I went through all of the times he abused me, the custody hearings, and every detail I could remember at that point. After everything I told her she said how sorry she was the sheriff didn’t get my medical records but she would try to get charges pressed if I was willing to go to a trial against R. I asked if he would be handcuffed in the court room, If i would need to see him, and if there would be a sheriff with him during trial. She answered yes to all of them. So I said yes i will go to trial.

She called me back stating the judge wouldn’t press charges due to the lack of evidence at the time of R’s original questioning. IF that sheriff would have gotten my medical records (which i signed to have released to him) R would have gotten jail time and I would have gotten justice, maybe even an apology. She explained to me that all R received was a misdemeanor, a probation violation and mandatory AA (because it worked so well the first time around) and she would be bumping my restraining order up to a criminal protective order (CPO). I am not sure of what R said during the court hearing but it was enough that the deputy DA told me to be extremely careful and to call the police if anything odd happens.

Weird things did happen, police were called multiple times, the one police officer actually knew R from being in jail at the time the DA called me. I have talked to police I know personally about this matter and the weird things that happened around the property and they have told me to be aware, not to live in fear but if R did come back, he isn’t coming for Beau, he is coming for you. Abusers view their victims as property, nobody wants their property taken away, and they definitely don’t want the police involved.

Even though I was/am always scared, I am so much stronger now. It was so validating to hear the DA say she believed me. She knew I wasn’t lying. I had been called a liar by R, his family, his friends and others in this small town. To finally have someone who doesn’t know me personally say how sorry they are and that they truly believe me meant more than any charge R could receive. Of course I was upset that I didn’t get justice, and I didn’t receive an apology, but I did get validation. That is all that mattered to me.

I had a lot of hate bottled up inside me. I had to accept that I wasn’t ever going to receive an apology from R or his family. I needed to forgive him for myself. I know his family has heard about this blog, so …….R ,S ,and L, I forgive you. I forgive you for calling me a liar, for serving me in my home, for trying to take my son away from me. I am sure you are embarrassed for your sons actions and that is why you aren’t adult enough to admit your wrong doings, but I pray that domestic violence doesn’t ever touch your daughters, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

 

My son wouldn’t know who any of them are from a hole in the wall and for that I am so thankful. I couldn’t continue to hope on R staying out of Beaus life, so I had to make it official….

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