I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. So I figured since I try and keep this blog real and raw I would just share it with all of you.
I have been feeling all kinds of different emotions. Getting back into the medical field I had to realize that I am going to miss out on a lot with my child. He will be in school soon so it won’t be as bad, but it makes me angry. I had to give up so much and R doesn’t care. I would never want him involved in my sons life anyway, but when you are pregnant you picture the typical “family”. I never set out to be a single parent, but now that I am, it just makes me a little resentful. I am going to have to miss out on sports, school stuff, bringing him lunch if he forgets it-little things. At the same time I do have an amazing supportive family who replaces his “father”. I would never want Beau to endure any kind of abuse from R, or witness anything happening to me.
I also have noticed that when I take Beau to the park (which I do at least 3 days a week) that I feel out of place around other married couples. I feel like I am almost damaged or not as good of a parent because I am a single mother. You always get asked the uncomfortable question- “Is his dad at work?” or any other questions that center around his sperm donor. I always just say “oh no, its just me” and then i feel like I get looked at like a bad parent, or pity, like I was some girl who slept around and got pregnant, not that I was a victim of domestic violence and was engaged to his sperm donor. How do I tell some random person that his so called “father” poisoned me with drano while I was pregnant, or that I almost died and Beau was born almost 8 weeks early from blunt force trauma. That isn’t exactly the best small talk at a family park.
Beau is also starting to notice what a dad is. He has called family friends and random men in stores Dad, not understanding what the meaning of the word is. He even told the man at the drive thru “Okay Dad! Coming now!” when I was told the total cost of his happy meal and to pull around to the first window. I try to explain to him that the random man isn’t his father, that not all families have daddy’s and that its okay because I love him, MiMi loves him, KiKi, GiGi, and Papi all love him. I knew I was going to have to cross this bridge, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. How do I explain to a 3 year old that his father was such a sick and twisted piece of crap? Say his dad was sick? I don’t want him to idolize that monster in the slightest bit. I can’t help but have it break my heart a little bit every time.
All of these things are realities that I am going to have to face. I am a single parent and its my job to make sure Beau is the happiest little boy ever and is given all the best opportunities in life. He will succeed, he will not be like his paternal grandfather, or his father. He will NOT be another statistic in the system like they are.
There is a saying “When you can tell your story and not cry, you know you’ve healed.” Well I tell my story all the time, I did it publicly in the video I made here https://www.facebook.com/alyssa.divincent/videos/vb.1382713971/10207405038069140/?type=3&theater , I share more with you guys every week and I truly feel like through this blog, counseling, and all the support I have-that I am healed.
That is why I want to share other survivors stories. I want to give the gift of healing to anyone who needs it. Whether the abuse is verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, whatever it is-your voice deserves to be heard. I would keep the stories completely anonymous for safety reasons. If you contact me we can arrange a meeting, or it can be done over Skype. For more detailed information PLEASE contact me on A Survivors Mission Facebook/Instagram page. It emails me directly.
Thanks for reading my rambling,