An open letter to my granddaughter…

Alyssa,

I decided after reading your blog to answer the questions that you asked of your friends. I was curious to see what my response would be. I know that the questions sparked anger and also sorrow for not seeing what was happening to you. When I learned of the abuse he put you through I was shocked. How could this have been done to you and no one knew? I am sorry for not seeing, for not supporting you or being there to comfort you, until we almost lost you. R caused a lot of trouble and sadness for your family. We were angry because the man we trusted and supported turned our to be this monster. He let us all down, especially you. He has lost much more than he will ever know. His son will grow strong, happy, and succeed in life because of this loving, caring family. He lost, you won!

1. How did my experience effect how you approach relationships? If at all?

   Since your abuse came to light I find that I now view the relationships between couples differently. I watch to see how they respond to each other-Are they happy? Do they talk? Are they listening to each other? I am now aware.

2. Did you have any idea I was being abused?

   No I did not. I did see signs of trouble when R was drinking too much. He would become nasty and get angry with you, especially when you tried to get him to stop drinking.

3. If you had any idea, what signs of abuse did I show?

   The abuse that I saw was his verbal abuse of you. He would pick on you, make fun of you, and he would then try to get you to change your mind about going home. This behavior was very obvious when you were pregnant, tired and asking to go home. His response was to get nasty,drink more,and get very loud.

4. What you tell me old me?

   There are times when I saw that you were not happy. I should have tried harder to reach you,to talk to you, but I did not want to intrude on your privacy. Knowing what I know today, I would have insisted on talking to you.

5. Has my experience changed your life? Good or bad?

   The old you was sweet, trusting, and happy. The relationship with R changed you. You became defensive and quiet, you seemed to be running away from us and the family. Knowing what I know now, I should have talked to you. I have experienced the changes in you in a positive way. You are stronger, no longer sad and withdrawn. You are more open about what you want in your life and about what you want for your little boy. I see the relationship with family being more open and loving. You have become positive about life and you are determined to help others who are being abused.

6. What would you tell a family member/friend of a person currently being abused?

   If I saw someone that I knew in the same situation I would try and get them to call you and I know you would help them.

7. If you could say anything to my abuser what would you say?

   I don’t know if I could talk to R at this time. I am still very angry about what he put you through. I still remember the fear that we were going to lose you and your little boy. I remember his lack of compassion seeing you after the delivery. I still see abuse of your family the night your son was born. I see how little he cared about anything except himself. The only thing he was concerned about was the car he happened to be working on. No, I can’t talk to him now, or ever. He crossed the line because of his abuse.