Peace.

Peace is defined as freedom from disturbance, quiet or tranquility

It is something I never realized was taken from me.

When I was with R every day I walked on egg shells. Afraid to mess up. Afraid to of what I was walking into after work. I was terrified to mess up or upset him. When you are with an abusive man for a long period of time you start to get used to it. The knots in your stomach and weight on your chest becomes a part of you.

I will never forget my first birthday after leaving R. It was almost 7 months after Beau was born and ending of our relationship. For the first time in years I didn’t have to worry about him getting drunk. I didn’t have to worry about a fight breaking out and getting pushed around or told how worthless I was. I felt like I could finally breathe. Of course I always am in fear. I am in Hawaii with my family on vacation and I was still afraid to sleep with my window open. Over a thousand miles away from home and I still am afraid he will find me, or happen to be here on vacation. BUT as I sit here and watch that gorgeous sunset I feel at peace. I can be free to be who I am. I can laugh and relax.  Have fun with my son and make amazing memories. See my child with my grandmother and sisters. See him make memories with my mom and dad. He might not have a father of his own, but he sure as hell is surrounded by the most amazing family who loves him. He will never have to feel the stress or anxiety of being around his sperm donor. Beau will only know peace. And that is a trade off I’m more than willing to make.

Love from Hawaii,

Alyssa