Category: life

R,

I never thought I would be thanking you for the hell you put me through, I never thought I would be abused either, yet here we are. I am writing you this to let you know that besides Beau, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. I wouldn’t be the strong mother, friend, or advocate I am without you.

For the longest time I was so scared of you. Thinking you would be the monster under my bed at night. I knew every night I would go to sleep I would meet you there in my nightmares reliving the abuse I went through with you. I would literally wake up drenched in sweat, crying, being completely terrified of just the thought of you. I would sleep with the lights on just incase I saw you in my window, never sleeping with them open just incase you tried to break in. I was scared to go out in public. Circling every parking lot to look for any trace of you or your family. The humiliation your family caused me, saying I lied about it all. The rumors that flew around this tiny town about me were crippling. Now I just laugh.

While I absolutely despise you for everything you did to me, my family, my son, and even your family, I love that you helped me find myself. You made me become a fighter, an independent woman, and you pointed me in the direction to find my passion in life.

Domestic Violence is one of the worst and most feared things a woman can go through in her lifetime. You took away the happiest time in my life. A time where a woman is supposed to be the most respected and valued, you turned into hell. You made me fight for my life, you broke a lot of hearts, caused a lot of stress, and you caused my child to come prematurely. You would yell, scream, and break things. Push, hit, and force yourself upon me. You poisoned me and you almost successfully killed me. You had broken me. You are and will always be the person I hate the most, yet I am so thankful for that.

You showed me exactly who NOT to date. In fact, I want to date the exact opposite of you, though you didn’t set the bar very high. You showed me that a man doesn’t hurt the person they love, a child does. You were, and probably still are an alcoholic. You were never driven to succeed. I now look for strength in the man I am with. Someone who wants to succeed, build a life, and respects me. Someone who loves my family and wants to be a father figure to my child. Let that sink in, I want someone else to help me raise the child you fought me for, you know the one that “needs his daddy”. You never changed a diaper, fed him a bottle, or sat up all night crying with him. You haven’t taught him to swim, ride a bike, or to open a door for a woman. I have. My family has. I have taught him to thank police officers, firefighters, and any military member. I have taught him to say please and thank you. I am teaching him exactly how to not be the man that you are.

By showing me what love was not, you taught me what love is. I am not just talking about relationships either, I mean in everyday life. I appreciate my family so much more. They have stepped up and all taken a huge roll in Beau’s life to fill the void that you left. Everyone of them has taken on a roll in raising him. He thankfully does’t have you, but he has one hell of a team behind him. I appreciate my friends more than ever. The true friends that have stuck by me through the hell of a life I lived with you and are still here today, watching me succeed. Those people are the ones you were trying to take me away from. By attempting to do that you have shown me who my real supporters are. I know who will stick by my side no matter what.

You lit a fire in me. By destroying me you forced me to rebuild myself. I am back stronger than ever. By crushing my self confidence I was able to find out what makes me feel empowered. I want to thank you for that.  You always blamed me for your drinking, anger, and resentment. By having all of those blow out, abusive attacks you taught me patience and how to remain calm in hostile situations.

Thank you for making me less trusting. Before you I would trust everyone, believing that everyone was caring and genuine, now I know that some people aren’t. I know to believe someone when they show me their true colors the first time. Trust actions, not words. If someone disrespects me its not because they are having a bad day, its because they don’t value and respect me enough to treat me the correct way.

Lastly, this is not an invitation to come back, call, email, or contact me in anyway. This is not me forgetting what you put me though or letting it go. This is for me to show you how amazing my life is without you. A small glimpse of the amazing life my child has. I am happy, truly happy. Happy just being me, single, full of love, and having tons of support. I love my family and I love the family my child has. While yours has zero involvement, that leaves room for future family members and more love for Beau. I hate the fact that you put me through so much pain, but I love the person I am today because of it.

Without love,

Alyssa

When I turned 25 I had a sort of mid- mid life crisis. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. I was still working on recovering emotionally from a very abusive relationship, balancing trying to be a single mom yet still have some sort of a social life. I think in the past year I grew so much emotionally. I am more thankful now than ever for my struggle because it lead me to all of you.

Here are the lessons I have learned by 25:

1)  Love yourself first- This one was huge for me. I never felt as though I was skinny enough, pretty enough, or good enough after leaving my abusive relationship. That lack of self confidence leaked over into my new relationships, work, even friendships. I wouldn’t want to go out and do things because I felt so terrible. I would constantly second guess myself at work thinking I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Leaving an abusive relationship where someone has completely taken  the love you had for yourself away really damages a person. You start to neglect yourself. Remember to always love yourself- you come first. You can’t be the best mom, sister, daughter, friend, or employee if you don’t.

2) Stop Over-thinking- When we over think we manifest problems that aren’t even there. We create these massive “what if” situations in our head that just create more anxiety than we already have. Living with those “what if’s” is a very painful way to walk through life.

3) Wear Sunscreen, take care of your skin, moisturize–  I didn’t really learn this until I started working at a dermatology office. I was a sun worshiper-tanning beds, outside, laying out- you name it. I never wore sunscreen, rarely even really washed my face, never moisturized. I started seeing patients come in with all of these sun spots, wrinkles, SKIN CANCER, and I completely changed my ways. Your skin will always tell your age if you don’t take care of it.

4) Always forgive, but never forget– Forgiveness is a huge part of emotional growth. Forgiving my abuser felt as though I lost a 50 lb. weight I was carrying on my chest. I had so much hate, resentment, and emotional baggage built up that I would unload on anyone who messed with me. Who ever hurt you doesn’t care about the pain they caused, they aren’t carrying around the burden- you are. Forgive them. Don’t forget the lesson you learned. Don’t put yourself in the position to let that happen again. Every failed situation is a life lesson.

5) Believe the actions people show you, not the words they speak– It’s important to understand that everyone was raised differently and have different definitions of respect. Good character and a good moral compass are very hard to come by. The fact of the matter is if someone values you, they will show it. If they care, you will know.

6) If you want something bad enough, you will make it happen– Your true passions will always make their way to the surface. Work your ass off to put the pieces together, make moves, and watch it all fall together. If you sit and do nothing you aren’t working toward making those passions a reality.

7) Never underestimate the power of music, laughter, and good friends– Sometimes on a really bad day all your need is some music, your best friends, and a good drink.

8) Happiness starts with you– If you aren’t happy internally then you aren’t ever going to be happy with anything in your life. Another person won’t change that, a new town won’t change that, and a new job won’t change that.

9) Crying is okay – Let it out, you will feel better.

10) You can always change your path in life – If you aren’t happy with your job, your friends, or a relationship- leave. So many people are settling with an okay life, DON’T.

11) Trust- Let people in, sometimes they will surprise you.

12) Don’t take things too seriously– Laugh, joke, make a fool of yourself. It’s okay to be a little childish every once in a while.

13) Talk to strangers– This is where I love my job the most. I meet new people every day. I love the random conversation, advice, and laughter. For some reason whenever I meet someone they tell me the most amazing stories. Where they came from, what they want to change, why they are changing. They could come in completely stressed and frazzled and they leave with a smile on. Someones people need to unload- be that understanding person. You can learn from anyone, anywhere. At the gas station, food shopping, even walking around.

14) Travel- You don’t need to spend an arm and a leg to go to a different country. You can travel to a new nearby town, a city close by. If you have the money and the PTO by all means take it! You won’t regret it.

15) Find a creative outlet– Ride a bike, write, take pictures, crafts, paint. Do whatever calms you down. It will give you a period of time to escape from the stresses of the outside world.

16) Be Real– I couldn’t hide how I am feeling if my life depended on it. My face will always give it away. If I like you, you’ll know it. If I don’t, you will know why. People may see this as being harsh but its better than being fake and lying to people.

17) STOP APOLOGIZING– I would constantly say sorry to people. Someone was blocking the isle at the store “oh excuse me, sorry”, someone was giving me advice “Oh I’m sorry”, someone didn’t like what I was wearing I would apologize and change. There is a time and place to be truly apologetic. Don’t take away the authenticity of the words.

18) Love hard– My heart has been broken a few times in my life, but once I care about you, you are locked in my heart forever. I would go to hell and back for my friends and family. Love genuinely and love with all your heart. The people who you actually let in will deserve that love and cherish it.

19) Tell your friend and family you love them and tell them often– This has taken me longer to learn for some reason. I thought being vulnerable and saying you loved someone was weak and ridiculous. Yea I would tell my family I loved them here and there but not near enough. I almost lost my life and the last real conversation with my mom was an argument. Don’t miss a chance to tell them you love them- you won’t always get another chance.

20) Say sorry when you need to,and mean it- SOOO many arguments can be solved by just apologizing for what hurt the other person. Validate and appreciate their feelings. They are hurt because of something you did, don’t tell them they are wrong.

21) EAT THE FOOD– Starving yourself isn’t a diet, believe me. You gain it all back. Stop with the crash dieting and skipping meals, all you are doing is slowing down your metabolism. Eat healthy and eat often.

22) Age doesn’t equal life experience– I have experienced a lot of major life events before I turned 25. While wisdom does come with age, experience is different. You can learn more from a young person who has gone through life’s up’s and down’s than an older person who has had an easy life.

23) Appreciate your fears, then over come them– This may sound absolutely ridiculous but after leaving R I was afraid to be anywhere in the dark alone. The sun set and that was it for Alyssa being outside. I slept with my lights on the brighter side of dimmed, I refused to walk to my car IN THE DRIVEWAY alone, in fear that I wouldn’t be able to see him lurking around the corner. But slowly I have gotten over those fears.

24) Don’t follow the norm– When I was younger I had this life plan for myself. Married by 22, 2-3 kids done by 28, have an amazing husband and life, following the norm. I had a baby at 22, single mom also by 22, a failed relationship, survived serious abuse, went through family court, won full custody, got R’s parental rights stripped, started a non- profit, shared my story, went back to work full time all by 25. It was not the picture perfect life that society makes you feel like you need to have, but it is my life, and I love it.

25) Be okay with being alone– I can not stress this enough, being alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. You don’t need to settle for shitty friends, shitty relationships or a shitty job. Strive for better. Do not settle for a jerk who gives you attention when he wants to, wait for the guy who makes you the center of his world. Until then take time to yourself-be alone. I hate the saying that you are looking for your other half, you shouldn’t be. You should be whole all by yourself and find another person who compliments your independence, respects your drive, and encourages you to accomplish your goals.

So far on this life long journey I have learned so much. I can’t wait to see what 26 has in store for me.